computers, camomile tea and fuking digestives
I’d always been pretty nervous with the computer. I mean i know nothing about car mechanics and have no idea how to twiddle around with electrical sockets and stuff. i’ve tried to read the computer manual but manuals usually confuse me more than maps - if u wanna get lost use a map ... u have to always know which way to point the thing or u find urself going down a road u’r suppose to be going up - if u knew which way to point the map u wouldn’t need one in the first fucking place!
The computer has a plug which u plug into the wall . And an ‘on / off’ button whihc u magically click - or press or wotever the techncial term is and the screen flashes into action. But then questions keep popping up asking if u wanna permantely delete something. I feel like it’s asking me if i want to turn off my mum’s life support machine. And what it is that i’m trying to permanently delete anyway– an airline ticket i’ve apparently just bought, a sexy photo ( how did that get on there??), and then u keep getting messages telling u to download some anti virus…. Wait a moment – i’ve been warned about anti viruseseses – u donwload them and u could be downloading a real virus… but if i dont the message seems to be insinuating the whole fucking computer is going to self destruct in 5 seconds… what do i do??? Accept? Panic? Phone my 4 year old grandson for suggestions? I do wot i always do in this sort of situation - go make myself a cuppa. I actually make a big mug of camomile – i reckon the mixture of the stress of the computer and a hit of caffine could induce a heart attack. So i'll cool down in the kitchen with a big mug - the only clean one says 'i love modnays' – yeah like fuck - british irony at its peak ) and grab a couple of digestives ( a digestive or 2 always hits theh spot… Hang on – i can do this… i might be only half way thru my cuppa and digestive but i’m not gonna be beaten by some oversized toys-r-us doobrey. So cuppa and just opened giant pack of digestives here i come ... back in front of the screen… now wot does this icon here do? Hmm …. i’ll press it and see what happ-------------------
Ok so the reinforcements r coming - the next generation... i phoned my niece ... she should know - she's got acne - she'll be able to put this right.... anyway she's not doing anything much - only studying for her biology and chemistry A levels next week
hmmm so appartently that buttn with the round symbol adn a sort of lline like it's 12 oclok is actually anuhter off on button.... but up to now all hte other buttons i've pressed ask me if i really wanna do what i just clicked on it to do... silly fucking questions all the time - it's like haivng messages falshing up in ur house every time u do something - do u really want to open the door? do u really want to switch on the lite? do u really want to pull ur trousers down? Yes i fucking do now let me just hav a fucking crap ...Wow - so this is a load o' fucking good innit... my niece keeps telling me it's easy ... then she gets that mouse and starts darting back and forward with it and clicking on various icons and goes wazzlewazzlewazzlewazzlewazzlewazzle and i'm sitting here thinking "what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck"- and wondering if a digestive will help me just a bit or confuse me totally and shes talking aobut some image and putting some text on it and bunging it into cyberspace and i'm sitting here thinking "dude just what the fuck r u talking about" and i can see she's full of shite ( sorry but much as i love my niece she really is full of crap - gets in from her mum - my sister if u ask me ) and just as i'm thinking this suddenly up on the screen pops .... Whaaaaat the fuuuuuuuuck?! holy amazing shite!!! it's the most amazing image - well 2 images superimpoised with various words different styles different sizes - she's a fucking genius - obviously gets that from her unc. :) OK now how do i get her to explain this as if she's talking to a 5 year old or someone with early dimenta... dimenta - now that's no joke... maybe i could even google it - how do i spell it? oh and this spelling check - fucking amazing! so let me google signs of dimentia ... and maybe i should check out cancer - and lypho something- my aunt got that and not sure if it's hereditary... hmm let me scroll thru the health page ... stds ... well that's one danger i'm not gonna have... -me having an STD'd be like getting a hangover without having had 'the nite before'. Why do we have to have all these deseases and deaths like my friend lying in hospital with tubes coming out of all varoius holes of her... oh shit this is making me sad... oh crap now i'm tearing up and my niece thinks i'm overwhelmed with her image ... oh crap shit wank now i've expained i'm not overwhelmed she thinks i mean i'm not impressed with it... i'm fucking amazed with it... o fuck toss cunts now she thinks i'm being sarcastic... listen, this is a fucking amazing image before me - i wish every1 could see what the computer can do... what my niece can do ... fucking amazing!!! oh crap now whe's getting upset coz i used hte f word once or twice... do i use the f word much? i dont fucking think so.... 32??? She's actually fucking counting them??? 32 fucking f words in 4 and a half minutes ... now that's pretty fucking impresive! what the fuck is wrong with saying fuck anyway? for fuck sake... no i refuse to say ff fucking s - it just donesnt give the same satis fuckin faction ... listen it's a fucking amazing image and i can say fuck if i want coz this is spose to be a free fucking count...
ok aparently spilling a wishy washy mug of camomile tea all over the keyboard is not a good thing for the computer... that's fucking pathetic i say--- imean a wishy washy nats piss cuppa camomile tea - c'mon on ... at least if it'd been somthing like a mug of coffee at least...! c'mon on for fuck sake is all i can say - well not to my delicate niece i wouldnt of course ... she might get like all offended ... maybe it's that time of month - yeah i know that's a cliché but it's true - i've had nieces and daughters and i'm not unsympathetic to women's extra needs but hey i didnt invent pmts and all the rest - blame the gods or whoever... Or maybe it's me - my time of life.... i mean i've heard us guys get pissed off easier as we get older...i dont know- dont ask me.. i dont need an excuse to be grumpy at my fucking age... fucking computer ... why dont i just turn off... oh yeah i forgot - it's fucked anyway .... well i reckon it's time for a anuther tea break with my niece and hear wot she's been up to... now where the fuck did i put them fucking digestives?
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